Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin’s Vogue cover interview went live today, and in it, Justin talks about pretty much everything, including his relationship with drugs.

He described a time in his life where he was addicted to Xanax, trying to numb the feelings of shame he had while living a life that didn’t quite match up to what he’d grown up with.

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“I found myself doing things that I was so ashamed of, being super-promiscuous and stuff, and I think I used Xanax because I was so ashamed,” he said. “My mom always said to treat women with respect. For me that was always in my head while I was doing it, so I could never enjoy it.

Drugs put a screen between me and what I was doing. It got pretty dark. I think there were times when my security was coming in late at night to check my pulse and see if I was still breathing.”