Is This For Real? “Desperate Starbucks Now Pleading For People To Masturbate, Use Drugs In Its Restrooms”

Come on now, this can’t be real. The headline is a bit shocking and it certainly caught our attention. For any of you that do not read The Onion regularly have to know that this must be a satire. As are almost all of their articles. 

Before we saw who published it, we had to start reading this article because the headline is so much “WTF is going on with Starbucks? Racism, falling on their sword and now promoting drug use in the bathrooms?”

 

Well now we know that this is actually not their company line. We pretended that we reached out to Starbucks and The Onion for comment, but they did not respond, because we didnt actually reach out. 

Also if you are wealthy enough to buy coffee from Starbucks on the regular and are in need of addiction treatment, consider luxury rehab. It’s like regular rehab, but nicer. 

This ends our attempt at satire Onion style. 

 

Read the rest of the article below-

SEATTLE, WA—In an effort to restore the company’s battered image in the wake of recent controversies, desperate Starbucks officials openly begged Monday for people to masturbate and use drugs in the coffee shop chain’s restrooms. “Please, just come in and do whatever the hell you want in the bathroom—feel free to shoot up or whack off—we’ll give you the code, no questions asked,” said Starbucks spokesperson Haley Drage, clarifying that, if a customer wished to stimulate their genitalia to the point of orgasm or snort a line of cocaine elsewhere in the store, they were also more than welcome to do so among the tables, while waiting in line, or behind the service counter. “We implore customers to just visit our locations. You don’t even have to buy anything; in fact, if you can provide proof you’ve masturbated or taken drugs in one of our stores, you can visit the counter for a free tall beverage of your choice. Come on, please just do this for us. Please?” At press time, the manager of a Starbucks in Phoenix, AZ had reportedly called the police on a black customer after he failed to masturbate or do any drugs within the first five minutes of his visit.

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